


Sunrise

by Yolatirra



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Confessions, First Kiss, M/M, post-ep.97
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22958779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yolatirra/pseuds/Yolatirra
Summary: He has no idea if he’s capable of the change they want from him, but Caleb believes it. Essek clings to that fact tighter than he’s clung to anything in his life.A bit of a coda to Episode 97.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 14
Kudos: 510





	Sunrise

**Author's Note:**

> Episode 97 broke me. I've been watching Critical Role since episode 40-something of the first campaign and haven't felt the need to read or write fanfic until now, because Essek is exactly the kind of character I adore, and both Liam and Matt are incredible actors. 
> 
> I only edited this once so I apologize for typos or tense switching.

Caleb’s words circle in Essek’s mind as he makes his way back to the party. His forehead burns. He fights the urge to press his palm to the spot.

He’s back in his disguise. Nott is invisible somewhere nearby, while some of the others went ahead and the rest are trailing behind. They hadn’t been particularly subtle about dragging his paralyzed body out of the estate, and when he’d insisted he had to go back to avoid suspicion, they’d refused to let him go alone. There was a chance the Assembly members had seen them dragging him away, and if so they’d likely figure out he’d been caught. He wasn’t sure if they were protecting him or just making sure he didn’t try to run away or betray them again.

Not that he could run from them. He’d had the chance, but he’d stayed, let them drag the truth out of him. When they’d taken him onto their ship he’d thought he’d be dead by morning, or as good as dead, at least. But they hadn’t run from him either. They’d asked him to run _with_ them. 

He has no idea if he’s capable of the change they want from him, but Caleb believes it. Essek clings to that fact tighter than he’s clung to anything in his life. 

Shame still tries to claw up his throat to choke him, but he fights it down. He has to make it through the rest of the party. Somehow he feels capable of it, despite the emotional toll the past hour has taken on him. He is an excellent actor, normally, but he’d been so terrified of loosing the only friends he’s ever known that he’d been practically an open book to them, and to the Martinet. Now, his friends know his crimes, and for the time being at least, it seems he hasn’t lost them. 

As he reenters the estate, he feels lighter than he has in months, despite the weight of his guilt. The Empire delegates thankfully didn’t notice his enforced departure, but the Martinet had noticed his absence. He weaves his excuses and it seems to be enough to avoid the man’s suspicion. Essek suppresses a sigh of relief, and accepts a flute of champagne from a passing server.

He catches glimpses of the Mighty Nein as he mingles over the next couple of hours, but they keep their distance. Caleb, once, catches his gaze and holds it for a moment that feels much longer than it is, blue eyes boring into him. But then the man offers him a tentative, almost-smile, and turns back to his conversation with Beau, and something flips and flutters in Essek’s stomach. 

It’s a feeling he recognizes, and he’s tried desperately to suppress it over the past few months. It’s been a long time since he’s had feelings for anyone, not since his youth and even then it’d been simpler, lust and curiosity more than anything else. This is different in a way he doesn’t quite understand yet. 

His forehead still burns with the phantom feeling of warm, cracked lips. 

He doubts anything will come of it. The kiss to the forehead meant little beyond platonic comfort. He saw Caleb kiss Nott on the lips, and the two of them are not romantically involved. And even if they do forgive him, if Caleb forgives him, he can’t imagine ever earning enough trust for any sort of relationship beyond simple friendship.

He wouldn’t deserve it anyway. He doesn’t know exactly what Caleb’s done in his past, but he knows it doesn’t compare to his own crimes. It he was a better man he’d turn himself in to the Bright Queen. That would be justice, wouldn’t it? But he is a coward, and a selfish one at that. If the Mighty Nein give him the chance to run, to save his own worthless life, he will take it.

No. He doesn’t deserve Caleb’s love. Caleb burns too bright for him, just like the sun. 

The party winds down around one in the morning. It’s still dark out. He should have time to rest before before they depart.

_Hey Essek,_

Jester’s voice in his mind startles him, as it always does despite how often he hears it. But there’s little of her usual chaos and playfulness now, and his chest aches at its absence. He managed to hide his reaction and continues walking to where he’s staying.

 _Sooo, guess they don’t know we know._ That’s good. There’s a pause, and for a moment Essek thinks that’s the end of the message, but then she asks, _do you want to come back to our ship? If it’s safe for you._

He trips this time, but catches himself and keeps walking. Maybe he shouldn’t be so surprised. They probably want to keep him close, keep an eye on him, but he’d expected they would want some distance from him, that they would need time to talk among themselves and process his confession. 

Essek, on the other hand, is both terrified of being, and desperate to be, in their presence. 

_I... will consider it._ He manages to respond, then adds after a moment, _thank you. All of you. For everything._

He doesn’t get a response, and there’s nothing unusual about that, but the silence echoes in his mind. 

He returns to his rooms and attempts to rest, but his heartbeat and mind refuse to calm. At nearly four in the morning he gives up and disguises himself again, making his way quickly down to their ship. Which he had noted, somewhere in the back of his mind, was called the Ball Eater. Somehow, it was an entirely fitting name, and he didn’t really want to know how it came about.

It isn’t until he sets foot on the gangplank that he realizes they’re probably all asleep, and that showing up at a quarter past four in the morning is incredibly rude. But before he can convince himself to leave, a soft voice stops him.

“You came.”

He suppresses a shudder that might have been terror or relief or both, and looks up to see Caleb about twenty feet from him, leaning on the railing of the ship. 

“I... couldn’t sleep.” Essek says. He looks away from Caleb, unable to meet his gaze without shame threatening to choke him.

There’s a beat of silence, the creaking of wood as Caleb shifts, then “join me?”

And Essek moves, because he’s helpless around him. Around all of them.

He comes to stand next to Caleb, a few feet between them, looking out over the water. He wants to hover off the ground, craving the comfort of habit, but he keeps his feet firmly pressed to the wood of the deck. 

“I couldn’t sleep either,” Caleb says, his voice soft and strange, neither tense nor relaxed and full of something Essek can’t name.

He doesn’t know how to respond, so he stands in silence. Eventually Caleb shifts again, leaning more of his weight on his elbows as he looks down at the shimmering, moon-lit water. 

“I murdered my parents,” he says, and Essek sucks in a sharp breath, jerking his head around to stare at him. Caleb doesn’t look up. “It was the final stage of Ikithon’s scourger training. Some bullshit about severing all familial connections to free and prepare us for a life of service. He’d made us believe they were traitors to the Empire. I burned down their home, with them in it. I heard their scream and it... shattered me. It took eleven years for me to come back to myself, and after, before I found the Mighty Nein, all I could think of was finding a way to undo it. To go back in time or bring them back, anything.“ 

He pauses, and Essek stays silent, sensing Caleb isn’t done. Not that he knows what to say, anyway.

Caleb huffs out a breath that catches in his throat. “There was someone else traveling with us, at first. Mollymauk. He died before we met you. Remember what I said to you earlier, about leaving the world better? He taught me that. Taught us all that. And most of the time we fucking suck at doing it, but we still try, because it’s better than doing nothing.”

Essek swallows hard as Celeb finally straightens, meeting his gaze. His eyes shine with wetness but he’s smiling. It’s a fragile smile, but all the more radiant for it. 

Seeing him like that, standing in the moonlight, Essek knows he is in love. Utterly, helplessly in love, as he has never been before.

And something in Caleb’s eyes tells him he knows. 

“What you’ve done is horrible. It’s never going to go away, and it’s never going to be okay. But the more you try to be better, the easier it’ll be to live with. And as Cad said, what matters is who you are now. So I ask you this,” he steps forward, and Essek wants to step back, but he can’t. Caleb’s beautiful eyes keep him locked in place, and then warm hands find his own and grip them tight. He grips back, afraid, though he doesn’t know why.

“Who are you right now, Essek?” Caleb asks, “Who do you want to be?”

Essek can barely breathe, let alone speak. He means to say, “your friend,” because it’s true but it also feels safe. But instead, only a single word gets past his lips, even more true, but not safe at all.

“Yours.”

Caleb’s eyes widen, just a fraction. Then he huffs, looks away and bites his lip as the corners of his mouth turn up in a smile. 

“Wasn’t expecting quite that answer,” Caleb says, and then he’s stepping forward into Essek’s space and cupping his jaw and... oh. 

Warmth. Softness. Breath that’s gone a little sour, but Essek doesn’t care. His whole body goes slack, tension releasing so quick he barely stops his knees from buckling as he kisses back, awkward and unpracticed but Caleb is both those things too, so it doesn’t matter. 

Caleb breaks the kiss but doesn’t pull away, instead pressing their foreheads together and clutching Essek’s head with both hands, keeping him there.

“This is a promise,” he whispers. “If you earn back our trust, if you try to leave the world a better place, then I will be yours, too.”

Essek can’t speak, but he nods desperately and presses close because he needs to be held together or he will shatter. Caleb’s hands drop to his back and wrap him up tight, and Essek buries his face in Caleb’s neck as sobs claw free from his throat. Caleb whispers comfort and encouragement into his ear, and for the first time he thinks maybe he can change. Maybe he can be better. Or at least, he wants to be so desperately that he can make it possible, with the help of these broken people. His friends. His family. 

He looses track of time, but eventually Caleb coaxes him to lift his head. He meets Essek’s eyes, and his are red and puffy too, though not as badly as his own must be. 

Caleb looks up at the sky over the ocean. It’s beginning to lighten, and Essek can see the brightest point on the horizon, the sun not far from rising. 

Caleb looks at him, relief in his eyes. “Watch the sunrise with me?” he asks.

“Yes,” Essek breathes, and turns in Caleb’s embrace to lean against his side. 

He feels Caleb grin against his hair. “We’ll go below deck when the light gets uncomfortable for you.”

Essek nods, and smiles, and together they watch the sun rise. 


End file.
